On Being An Uncle

Honoring my nephew, Josh

It did not work out for Barbara and me to have children, but we have been blessed by getting to be an aunt and uncle 29 times – 12 in the first generation, 17 in the second (so far). That doesn’t even include the spouses many of those nieces and nephews have married, who are also so much a part of our family. No great-great uncle and aunt status yet, but we just had the first wedding of that second generation and will see another this spring, so there may be more babies on the way. I can only hope, because I really love being an uncle, and there is nothing better in the world than holding and playing with little ones.

I have always thought there is something special about being the uncle and aunt without kids. When you have your own kids, your unclehood (Is that a word? Probably not) is mostly defined by being the parent of one or more of the cousins. Your role early on is a lot about making sure none of the cousins kill or are killed by your kid. Which with some particularly rambunctious kids is a fulltime job.

But when you don’t have your own kids to worry about, when you are lucky you often get to build closer and more interesting relationships with your nieces and nephews. My Uncle Stan and Aunt Dee didn’t have any kids, and I always felt a special bond with them.

There’s so much joy in seeing these fascinating, smart, funny kids grow up. Being an uncle has been one of the greatest things in my life.

But now I am faced, for the first time, with the loss of one of these amazing people. My nephew Josh has been struck down by cancer. The irony is that Josh might well have been the healthiest person in our whole family, walking 5 miles or more every day, eating healthier than any of us. The cruelty is that he probably would have lived to be 100 if this rare and deadly form of cancer had not overtaken him.

Josh was such a good man. He spent most of his life working to take care of people with severe autism, heading up a group home for a while and then doing it one on one. When he first was diagnosed with cancer, he started posting regularly on TikTok about what he was doing to get better, and to be in community with others going through cancer treatment.

Josh knew more about movies than just about anyone I know. He taught me about really fun musical artists I never would have known of otherwise. He married a truly amazing woman and they have a 10 year old son who looks just like Josh did at that age, and who is in his own right one of my very favorite people in the world.

Josh cared passionately about our screwed up political system, was a big Bernie guy in the years Bernie ran for president. He and I talked a lot about politics, and he had great insights. He was the first person I ever talked to about the “MAHA” movement, and he gave me an early warning of how politically important these voters were. He would sometimes yell at me about the fact that Democrats weren’t doing enough for working families like his, but I never minded because (a) he was mostly right, and (b) I was glad to see him so engaged and fired up about changing things.

The last time we talked, he said something profoundly important. I was talking about how pissed off people are by Trump, and he said “But never forget that people are still pissed off by the Democrats, too. People are looking for something different.” He was 100% right.

This is the hard part about being an uncle, saying goodbye. Josh, thank you for being such a big part of my life. I will love you for all time.

Josh (closest to me) and his cousin Matthew with their Uncle Mike.